Raccoon Relocation Project (best of)

    The average cartoon-watching child in this country has been led to believe that the raccoon is a polite, intelligent, highly hygienic member of the animal kingdom. Well, I am here to tell you that, pound for pound, raccoons are the most devious, cunning and disgusting creatures on earth.
    What Rocky Raccoon and Ranger Rick failed to convey to the kids is that raccoons tip over trash cans, walk in wet cement, dig up gardens and have been known to kill small dogs. For three months now, I have been trying to keep them from digging for earth worms in my newly planted lawn.
    I must admit that I first tried poison, but I soon discovered that any poison that would give a field mouse a mild bellyache has been taken off the market. All I succeeded in doing in putting out poisoned grain was to attract four more families of coons. I could have tried to shoot the masked bandits, but they work after business hours, and I didn’t feel like staying up all night every night. Besides, I had more compassion than that.
    So I borrowed a “Warm and Fuzzy, Humane, Safe and Easy Wild Animal Trap” from a neighboring rancher. They are so named because they take into consideration the welfare of the animal. And you don’t have to feel guilty about using the Humane Trap, because you won’t catch anything anyway.

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