Outlining the 6 degrees of friendship

    There are six degrees of friendship:
    No. 6 — Facebook Friends. In most cases, you couldn’t even pick out this “friend” in a police lineup because you’ve never actually met. For all you know, this friend could be a serial killer or a child molester. When your “friend” is arrested for a heinous crime and the nightly news interviews you, you’ll feel like a fool saying, “He seemed like such a nice guy.”
    To test this friendship, perform what I call the “mooch test.” Starting at a request of $1,000, work down until you arrive at the amount your Facebook friend is willing to loan you. If it’s under 57 cents, it’s time to make new friends.
    No. 5 — Holiday Inn Friends. This is a kindergarten classmate you can’t remember who is coming to your town for a vacation and discovers that the cheapest motel room is over $100 per night. That’s when he/she remembers you live in the area so he/she calls and invites himself/herself to stay with you. And he/she brings along their four spoiled kids, a Rottweiler and a spouse with a terrible cold. These “friends” clog up your toilets, eat all your food, fill your septic tank, empty your water tank and soil your linens before you remember that you never went to kindergarten. A subspecies of the Holiday Inn Friend is the Winnebago Friend who wants to plug into your electricity and sewer for a month.
    No. 4 — Friends You Can’t Stand. This is a friend you once met in a bar, rehab, foxhole, jail cell or gym who went on to fame and fortune as a Congressperson, semi-pro third-baseman or mass murderer. It’s an acquaintance you claim as a friend, figuring it will increase your own stature, even though you hate the person’s guts. It gives you the right to say, “Sure, I knew O.J. He even gave me a knife once,” or, “The governor and I broke out of juvenile hall together.”
    No. 3 — Fair Weather Friends. This is a symbiotic relationship in that your friend, the parasite, lives off of you, the host. Despite the fact you’re always there when they need you, this person didn’t visit you in the hospital when you got your new knee, and never brought a casserole when your momma died. If you run into each other at Starbucks, he/she may or may not even speak to you, depending upon who they’re with.

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